THE TEA

Oh, hello there, Internet stranger.

Sorry if my shocked face took you by surprise.

I was busy skimming through some of my first issues for THE TEA and I don’t usually have visitors here on this side of the World Wide Web.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Please have a seat and I’ll fetch you something to drink.

Will a cup of coffee do?

Oh wait.

I think I’m all out (or at least that’s what I say when I’ve forgotten how to operate the coffee machine).

Tea it is, then.

And hey, quick question for you—*flings teacup into the microwave with the teabag inside*

If Queen Elizabeth II had a secret affair and wrote a letter about it, would you read it?

If yes, carry on reading, Internet friend, and I’ll tell you all about THE TEA.

Oh, and your cup will be ready in just a moment.

Hope you like the teabags they sell at Walmart, laced with plastic and all!

Sorry but I can’t afford loose leaf in this economy.

So you’ll just have to make do.

Carry on.

YOUR WELCOME PACKAGE UPON JOINING THE TEA

• [TOP SECRET] A letter written by Queen Elizabeth II revealing her deepest, darkest secret. Inspired by my debut novel here. Poor Prince Philip, he’s turning in his grave just reading this.

• THREE chapters from The Forbidden Affairs of Buckingham Palace. I know, I know. Unfortunately, I can’t give away the whole book for free or we’ll have a laughing epidemic in our streets. Can’t have that happening.

• And most importantly, BRAGGING RIGHTS. It is SO lovely to have you here in this ultra-exclusive space. I intend to keep you entertained for as long as my wiry spider fingers can hit the keyboard :)

Once you’re ALL set up, expect a dispatch from me once a week.

YOUR SATURDAY BREW

Every Saturday, you’ll get a story.

If I ever wake up with smarty-pants insights I can’t keep to myself (rare), you’ll be hearing about that too.

Oh, and in case you’re interested in all the exciting behind-the-scenes that goes into making it to the New York Times’ Worstsellers list, you’ll be kept in the loop FO SHO.

So don’t expect a newsletter that reads like the way you fall asleep. “Slow and then all at once.”

This is the Helena Bonham Carter of newsletters.

Fun, quirky, and a little too honest (not to mention irresponsible).

So if you’re not ready for uncomfortable truths with a side of laughs, the exit button is on the right upper hand corner.

A big fat X will lead you out like the one I’m drawing through your name this very second on my list.

You’ll be lucky if you get another entry.

And for those of you that are still here, remember what you came here for.

What you’re chasing.

That feeling — you know the one. Like you know something you probably shouldn't.

That is what you’re really here for.

And I’m here to deliver.

So don’t wait.

Strike while the tea is hot like they say.

THE TEA ☕

The kind of personal confessions that make you look over your shoulder
EVERY SATURDAY at 10 AM MST

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